Who decides who you are?
Something has been getting to me recently. It's a tricky one to reconcile, because all the variables are completely subjective.
What if my inner critic is right? What if I *am* the worst things I think about myself? What if the people who don't like my methods are correct? And how do I tell?
Now, this isn't a cry for help or casting for compliments, just an objective exercise, if you like.
We all have times when we question ourselves. It's perfectly normal. Very, very few people are completely confident and comfortable with themselves all of the time. Babies possibly. And enlightened Buddhists perhaps. Sometimes these periods of doubt follow a personal setback, or are the result of having your actions questioned by another. Sometimes they just happen spontaneously in the middle of the day but no matter how they come about, there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent them. What's important is how we deal with them. Or, more specifically; what's relevant to my point is how we deal with them.
Because it's all very well saying "Haters gonna hate" or "Believe in yourself", but what if the haters have a point? We can't ALL be lovely, decent and kind. Some people are arseholes, it's just a fact of life. The idea that we should believe in ourselves and ignore the people who would knock us down, is only really relevant if you are a lovely, decent and kind person. Or, at least, the sort of person you actually want to be. Statistically, you might not be. It might do you good to be taken down a peg or two, to realise that you're not as great/ talented/ whatever as you might think (unless you want to be an arsehole, then you're golden). But how can you know? And whose opinion do you trust? If a stranger called me an arsehole, I'd be momentarialy saddened, then I'd dismiss the matter from my brain forever. That person has no frame of reference for my behaviour, and I have no frame of reference for their decision-making. To analyse their opinion would be pointless.
Actually, that's bollocks. I would fret and worry about it all evening and for several days afterwards, analysing every aspect of my behaviour, wondering what I could have done differently to gain that person's approval/ love/ grudging respect/ utter ambivalence. That's who I am, an overly-analytical worrier with a schizophrenic desire to be stubbornly individual, yet accepted and liked. But all that stuff I said before is what I - and you - probably should do in that situation.
But what if you're thought of as an arsehole by someone you know? Obviously, context is everything, but if someone has observed your actions over time and is familiar with your personality, what if they think that you are an arsehole? (I'm using the word "arsehole" as a catch-all for any derogatory or negative labels others might have for you. They might think you're incompetent, or a bully. Perhaps you smell. I don't know, just stay with it). If this person is (or has hitherto been) a friend, someone whose opinion you would ordinarily respect, then chances are you might just be an arsehole. That's a potentially life-altering realisation, if you don't want to be an arsehole and you value this person's opinion. Changes must be made. Even if it's someone you don't like, or who doesn't like you (the two are not necessarily mutually inclusive), you might be compounding your arseholery if you dismiss their opinion out of hand, purely on the basis that you/they don't like them/you.
I don't want to be an arsehole. I fully accept the fact that I have my arseholey moments. So do you. Yes, you do. But I think, on balance, I'm a fairly decent person. But don't we all? And the existence of an apparently inexhaustible supply of arseholes in the world suggests that we really can't all be right about ourselves. But since the the very concept of arseholery is subjective, and the way our actions are perceived is equally subjective, whose opinion counts? And who do we trust to bring us back down to earth if we start to go wrong?
I think I know the answer to this. Make a decision to be who you want to be, surround yourself with carefully chosen, loyal friends and try to do the decent thing. Seems straightforward enough.
But what if I'm wrong? Who's going to tell me?!
What if my inner critic is right? What if I *am* the worst things I think about myself? What if the people who don't like my methods are correct? And how do I tell?
Now, this isn't a cry for help or casting for compliments, just an objective exercise, if you like.
We all have times when we question ourselves. It's perfectly normal. Very, very few people are completely confident and comfortable with themselves all of the time. Babies possibly. And enlightened Buddhists perhaps. Sometimes these periods of doubt follow a personal setback, or are the result of having your actions questioned by another. Sometimes they just happen spontaneously in the middle of the day but no matter how they come about, there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent them. What's important is how we deal with them. Or, more specifically; what's relevant to my point is how we deal with them.
Because it's all very well saying "Haters gonna hate" or "Believe in yourself", but what if the haters have a point? We can't ALL be lovely, decent and kind. Some people are arseholes, it's just a fact of life. The idea that we should believe in ourselves and ignore the people who would knock us down, is only really relevant if you are a lovely, decent and kind person. Or, at least, the sort of person you actually want to be. Statistically, you might not be. It might do you good to be taken down a peg or two, to realise that you're not as great/ talented/ whatever as you might think (unless you want to be an arsehole, then you're golden). But how can you know? And whose opinion do you trust? If a stranger called me an arsehole, I'd be momentarialy saddened, then I'd dismiss the matter from my brain forever. That person has no frame of reference for my behaviour, and I have no frame of reference for their decision-making. To analyse their opinion would be pointless.
Actually, that's bollocks. I would fret and worry about it all evening and for several days afterwards, analysing every aspect of my behaviour, wondering what I could have done differently to gain that person's approval/ love/ grudging respect/ utter ambivalence. That's who I am, an overly-analytical worrier with a schizophrenic desire to be stubbornly individual, yet accepted and liked. But all that stuff I said before is what I - and you - probably should do in that situation.
But what if you're thought of as an arsehole by someone you know? Obviously, context is everything, but if someone has observed your actions over time and is familiar with your personality, what if they think that you are an arsehole? (I'm using the word "arsehole" as a catch-all for any derogatory or negative labels others might have for you. They might think you're incompetent, or a bully. Perhaps you smell. I don't know, just stay with it). If this person is (or has hitherto been) a friend, someone whose opinion you would ordinarily respect, then chances are you might just be an arsehole. That's a potentially life-altering realisation, if you don't want to be an arsehole and you value this person's opinion. Changes must be made. Even if it's someone you don't like, or who doesn't like you (the two are not necessarily mutually inclusive), you might be compounding your arseholery if you dismiss their opinion out of hand, purely on the basis that you/they don't like them/you.
I don't want to be an arsehole. I fully accept the fact that I have my arseholey moments. So do you. Yes, you do. But I think, on balance, I'm a fairly decent person. But don't we all? And the existence of an apparently inexhaustible supply of arseholes in the world suggests that we really can't all be right about ourselves. But since the the very concept of arseholery is subjective, and the way our actions are perceived is equally subjective, whose opinion counts? And who do we trust to bring us back down to earth if we start to go wrong?
I think I know the answer to this. Make a decision to be who you want to be, surround yourself with carefully chosen, loyal friends and try to do the decent thing. Seems straightforward enough.
But what if I'm wrong? Who's going to tell me?!
posted by Kathmonkey at 1:31 pm
1 comments
